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THIS IS WHAT’S HAPPENING

linn3

photo by lovisa

An apology for my absence. Not only the past 10 days but I’ve been distant for a long time. I’m glad you missed me even though you’re annoyed. I need to update you on my lost state of being because it’s all a big mess and you must be just as confused as me:

These past 9months have been awful. I have had a big teenage depression, crying most nights of the week, completely inconsolable. Nothing has felt fun and I’ve been hiding from both family and friends, school and the future which has resulted in my feeling even more lonely and lost. The only person I could be around was Daniel who has been a fucking superhero, going out of his way to do everything for me. But I could see his desperation and fear shining through, not being able to fix what’s wrong.

The reason being me hating my uni and wanting to drop out but not knowing what I should do instead or what I want with myself. I didn’t want to take a retail job and there were no alternative schools in London. The only thing that got me excited was a program I found at Hyper Island in Stockholm, Sweden. But Stockholm is the last place I want to live in.

What about me and Daniel? Long distance or Daniel moving to Sweden? But he doesn’t speak the language? Would he get a job? Would our relationship last? How about this life I’ve got here? My friends? Should I stick it out in London instead?

I freaked out and felt my world crashing down on me. The fear and panic poisoned me. If Daniel is the only one who got me through this misery I could never risk anything to happen to us! So I decided I would stay in the program I was at and worked my ass off but just to get even more miserable. So Daniel told me to get my shit together and apply to Hyper Island anyway and we’ll make sure to figure things out when it comes to that.

I then spent day and night for the remaining two weeks of the creative task that people had 6 months to complete. It felt impossible. And oh dear, a few weeks ago, in the midst of all my final hand ins I receive an email that I’m one of the 70 out of 249 who has been accepted to the next round in the application process and need to come in on the 23rd of May for an admissions day.

I lost my breath. With fear excitement panic sorrow and happiness.

The past two weeks were just been a big confusion. Buried under my last hand ins and worries I completely neglected this cyberspace haven. A place which usually brings me joy and comfort but lately has been infested by mean comments and pressure. Whichever way I wrote or behaved, didn’t write or didn’t behave, whoever I hung out with or didn’t hang out with, looked like or didn’t look like I was always wrong. And I’m an imperfect person with tons of flaws but also many wicked sides, just like all of you. But it was like people assumed that I meant harm and that all along I’ve just been trying to cover up the fact that I’m a bad person. The more I gave and opened up the nastier people were and the heavier I felt, which sucks! So I kind of stopped.

Despite having anxiety attacks about life I managed to hand in my last 9 essays on the day of the deadlines and flew to Stockholm the same day.

On the admissions day I was a wreck but managed to get through the day with an interview with three different Hyper people, a 90min individual task and a 2hrs group task. I cried on my interview when they asked me what my biggest secret was. But I was honest and it felt fucking awesome. I had so much fun and everybody there were goddamn geniuses! Ideas we created, stories people told and the methods we were taught during that day inspired me more than this whole year at LCC.

So now I’m back in London, more confused than ever. Because the last thing I want is to move away from the loves of my life, this city and my man. But I’ve never wanted to go somewhere so badly as I want to go to Hyper Island now. On the week of the 9th of June I find out. Only 30 people get accepted. Either way I’ll cry, because I’m clearly a cry baby.

What I do know is that no matter what I am going to drop out of LCC. Nothing is worth feeling like this for. And I’m not taking on another job this summer but I’m going to spend it being poor in the sun, and I am going to write. Short stories, articles, create zines and maybe start a novel.

But yes, this is what has been going on. Sure there were good moments too, like getting to know Kajsa and Ornella who were my rocks. I desperately clung onto every happy moment not to get absolutely lost, and that’s also what I posted here. A blog is made out of fractions of peoples lives, and put together it almost creates fiction. Which is amazing! Why shouldn’t we dream and escape a bit? This is supposed to be a place for that, which sometimes also includes misery and sorrow, but often not. Posting all my happy days here made me realise this past 9 months that I had lovely, magical times too, which gives me hope. And it is getting brighter!

Thanks for still reading and sending me nice messages now and then. Every single compliment or hello from you means the world to me. So let’s make this a pleasant place, where it’s fun for you to read but also for me to write and soon we’ll get back on track. <3

(and a big applause to you who read this enormous text)

 

Linn

NAIROBI NIGHTS

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tigoni road One night after barbecuing with our family, my dad and I stay up at the terrace, watching the stars up in the dense black sky. He plays me his best 80’s tracks and we discuss Kate Bush while sharing the taxfree cognac I brought. She was well before her time, a true artist, mixing music in a way nobody had experienced. But it’s like that, the true talent get lost to an unknowing crowd. We are the same, him and me, being the quiet ones in the background, analysing and taking it all in, but other times bursting into flames, being the center of attention and making everybody laugh. He then tells me once again about his student years and all the mess him and his friends caused. The beauty of being 20 and dumb. It strikes me every time how many stories he has told me but that he still seem to possess a million more. They are all filled with wilderness and carelessness and happiness, just like my dad. The Nairobi night is hot and the open fireplace is cracking between us. My dad gets up to refill our glasses and brings me his biggest jumper that I drown in. It’s soft from having been washed and worn forever but still smell like safari dust. We continue planning our lives, conspiring against society and the rules. He tells me about his time in Orange County and the plans on a big roadtrip next year to visit all his Americans. Simon & Garfunkel sings out the Sound of Silence from the laptop speakers and my dad has to pause it and turn to me. I mean WOW, can you hear it. It’s just insane how great they are. We play the track again and this night is endless.   Linn

KENYA

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westagePicture 049 My family at Westgate, Nairobi 2010   I have trouble writing this post as I’m hurting and will still never come close to describing or feeling the pain caused to the people of Kenya. The past week Al Qaeda has carried out a terrorist attack on the mall Westgate in Nairobi where at least 69 people has been murdered and over 200 injured. The victims have been beheaded, raped and disfigured, children stabbed with knives. As the mall was then demolished, it collapsed and trapped up to 200 more people in the rubble so they expect the number of dead to increase with another 130-160. This is a country I love, it’s my second home as my family still live there, and Westgate is a place me and my family visit frequently. I am so grateful that they were lucky enough not to be there and that they are safe. I am also horrified that it happened to these absolutely innocent people. NOBODY should have to experience anything like this. My heart goes out to the victims and their families.   Having said that, I can’t stop thinking about the fact that when it’s wealthy, white people dying, the whole world gets involved, but when street children and poor Africans get abused, molested and killed every single day in the same area, it’s accepted as a part of this system.   Linn

CANROBERT STREET / ATT FLYTTA IHOP

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Mr DP i nya rummet Nu har det hänt. Det här mina vänner, är min nya roomie! Japp, det är sant, jag som aldrig skulle ha pojkvän har nu alltså t.o.m. flyttat ihop med en. Och det är helt sjukt i huvudet men jag har aldrig haft roligare någonsin. WindowsGarderober Ett rum med två gigantiska fönster, uråldriga trägolv som knarrar, tre dubbeldörrade garderober och ett eget badrum. Den ligger i ett town house med en liten trädgård, en takterass, en diskmaskin(!), en öppen spis, ett tomt loft och tre flatmates som bjöd oss på trerätters hemlagad och litervis med vin för att fira att just vi flyttat in. Gatan är full med bara gamla engelska tegelbyggnader inklämt mellan Bethnal Green och Columbia Flower Market och Broadway Market. tegelTerrass och pizza Igårkväll var vår första riktiga dag i lägenheten efter att ha flyttat in i söndags då vi spenderade dagen med att packa upp allt och lyssna igenom alla vinyler vi äger. Efter jobbet igår gick vi alltså till den italienska restaurangen på Broadway Market för att köpa pizzor som vi åt på vår terrass! Det var fan så bra det kan bli ändå, det här oväntade livet och jag är mer än euforiskt jävla glad, för att han vill bo med mig och jag med honom.     Linn English: This sunday me and my boyfriend Daniel were insane enough to move in together in a crazy good flat between Broadway Market and Bethnal Green. Our room has these massive windows, an en-suite and three insane double doored wardrobes. It’s within a town house with a roof terrace, a garden, a dishwasher, creaky wooden floors, a loft and three wicked flatmates who cooked a massive meal for us before they got us drunk on the Sunday. Last night me and Daniel celebrated with pizza on our terrace. It’s crazy, that I always said I never wanted a boyfriend, and now I’m actually moving in with him, but oh dear fucking hell I’m having lots of fun.

BY DANIEL

LWDP

Jag avslutar den här oändliga Q&A med en himla populär fråga:

Daniel, how would you describe Linn?

 

I always find it difficult to describe people. You know exactly what they’re like (especially when that person is someone you spend almost every day with) but it’s only when you’re asked the question that you have to properly think about it and put it into words. So, here’s my first real attempt at describing my girlfriend, Linn. I don’t know if everyone that knows her will agree with what I write next but it’s definitely the image that I have in my head and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

When I started to spend time with Linn one of the first things I noticed is that she genuinely gets to know people without judging them at all. She seems completely open to meeting different kinds of people. She doesn’t care about what you look like, how you dress or where you’re from. That might sound weird but I think that when most of us meet people for the first time we’ve already developed an idea of who they are based on superficial things. We don’t really give people a chance. Linn, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to think about that at all. She just sees every encounter as an opportunity to discover something or someone new. Maybe that’s why she’s one of the most approachable people I’ve ever met. I don’t know how many times I’ve been out with her and witnessed complete strangers walk up to her and start a conversation. People just seem to like her as soon as they meet her. They want to instantly become friends and hang out the next day. She doesn’t always feel the same way but if she does get along with that person she’ll go with it.

That’s another thing that’s great about Linn, her spontaneity. She loves unexpected adventures and when she feels like going on one you can’t stop her. Everyone’s obviously invited to join her but if you’re not she won’t change her mind. She does what she wants when she wants. This has led to a few arguments between us but I think that most of us (including me) could learn to spend a bit more time doing things for ourselves without caring about what others want or think.

Linn’s fiercely independent. She doesn’t care about social norms or how things should be done. For example, the concept of relationship celebrations (i.e. Valentine’s day, one year anniversaries etc…) seem a bit silly to her. She wants to celebrate them (well, I think so) and enjoys it but it doesn’t matter if you do it on the exact day or not. Celebrating your one year anniversary a month late or early wouldn’t matter to her. It doesn’t have to be an extravagant celebration either. The only thing that’s important to her is to be with the person you’re meant to be celebrating with. Everything else is irrelevant. Linn is one of the very few people I know, if not the only person I know, for which the overused saying “It’s the thought that counts” actually seems to be true. She’ll never get caught up in the small and mostly unimportant details. This is probably why she is almost always having fun. She doesn’t let stuff get to her and finds happiness in the simplest things (i.e. going out for breakfast, balloons, rain, puppies, drinking on rooftops etc…) and this makes everyone around her a lot happier too.

Anyway, I could add to this mini-rant and talk about how incredibly intelligent Linn is and how she questions everything and will always express her opinion but I’m sure you already know that from reading her blog. These are the main things that stand out to me and make being her boyfriend feel special so I’ll just stop here.

Daniel